Close your door and shut your blinds. Have an extra pair of shorts handy.

It’s the Tennessee fainting goats!

Does anyone else find this eerily reminiscent of last year’s offense?

Go ahead, make your own joke in the comment section below.

Dawgsport’s Kyle King is questioning Tennessee’s ability to take care of its live mascot.  In support of this wild accusation, The Mayor has this to say:

Smokey II had to tangle with Baylor’s live bear mascot during the 1957 Sugar Bowl and Smokey VI collapsed from heat exhaustion in 1991 before passing away later that same season.

I submit that we don’t need to coddle our mascot as Smokey, unlike Uga, can take care of himself.  Smokey II tried to put the smackdown on a bear and survived.  And VI’s heat exhaustion only kicked in at 140 degrees.

To my knowledge, Uga has never come close to to assailing a wild beast.  Granted, he did snip at an Auburn player once, but I’d wager Kyle would agree that that particular varmint is much further down the food chain than a domesticated bear.  And the last time I saw Uga on t.v., he was panting like Charlie Weiss after 200 up downs and slobbering profusely into his food dish while lounging in the 75 degree shade of his doghouse.

I’d say Uga gives up the ghost at 95 degrees and soils his black and reds at the mere sight of a bear cub.

Smokey, on the other hand, can take care of himself.

Hearty thanks to Burnt Orange Nation, who hosts the Post-Spring BlogPoll Roundtable.  VFRT’s response, taking the questions out of order:

Your head coach comes down with a mystery illness and has to step aside. You get to hand pick the replacement for the 2006 season. Who gets your vote?

I’m behind Fulmer, but in the event Fulmer comes down with a case of Cotard’s (and starts believing that he has lost his internal organs or that he’s dead), a case of Alice-in-Wonderland Syndrome (and starts believing . . . uh . . .  certain parts of his body have been reshaped or rescaled), or a case of the Jumping Frenchmen of Maine (the sudden flailing of the arms followed by the repeated crying out of words when startled by an unexpected noise or sight) (lots of room for jokes here, guys), I’d have to go with Weiss.  Added benefit: save bundles on wardrobe.

Lastly, we’ll mix the football and the blogging together here. If you could have anyone switch allegiances and start covering your team, who you gonna pick?

Defense wins championships, and I’m going with EDSBS just so we can avoid things like this.  Oh, and let’s rename this.  Second pick in the draft is Michigan Zone so we can avoid any more posts like the Tennessee Tail Gate.

Which offseason story are you most tired of, and, on the flip side, interested in? (e.g. Reggie Bush’s house, Jimmy Claussen, etc.)

Stories?  What stories?  A veritable paucity of stories during the off-season is the thing I’m tiring of the most, but if I had to pick one, I guess it would be BushGate, although I’m really more aloof about it than anything.

On the flip side, I was most pleased that former Tennessee defensive back Jason Allen was picked 16th overall by the Miami Dolphins in the NFL draft.  Allen was the heart and soul of our team, a teammate in every sense of the word who decided to postpone a lucrative NFL career and return for his senior season as a Volunteer.  He anchored the secondary, essentially playing two positions at once by somehow racking up safety-like tackle stats while shutting down every opponent’s best receiver.

And then, against Georgia, the unthinkable happened when he was basically split in half while tackling monstrous UGA tight end Leonard Pope.  See my pictures from the game for a feel for how serious it was.  Allen lay crumpled into a heap on the field for a full fifteen minutes before being carted off, and it looked like not only his college football career was over, but that his decision to return as a Volunteer may have cost him a professional career as well.

Well, Allen said he would be back stronger than ever, and he proved it by running a 4.39 at the NFL Combine.  He may have gone higher in the draft had he not suffered the injury, but being the 16th overall selection was satisfying closure to the troubling thought that he might have sacrified his future to play one more year as a Vol.  Vol fans everywhere were ecstatic, and not even EBSBS posting this video would dampen our spirits.

And by the way, both Georgia fans and players, and even some Alabama fans, responded to the injury with the utmost class.

I’m going with Jon as the winner of last week’s caption contest.

As promised, Jon gets what is likely to be three months of front page presence on VF Rocky Top, as I will be resisting the pull of Ruminant Reporting and mostly working under the hood for awhile.

Here’s the pic:

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And here’s Jon’s response:

“the goal is to get my stomach out to here so i can rest my hands on it like so…”

Thanks to the rest for participating, including Peter from Burnt Orange Nation:

TN head football coach Phil Fullmer tries to explain how catching a football is like jazz piano, as a freshman receiver looks on. “Coach told me to be more like Herbie Hancock.”

Freaktoe:

“The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout . . .”

and, uh, me:

“It’s the weirdest thing, I mean, sometimes it feels like a whole other person is growing right out of my back.”

Until next time then . . . .

It’s the Orange and White Game Caption Contest! Cue applause. Winner gets . . . winner gets . . . uh . . . winner gets three full months of front page presence on VF Rocky Top, seeing as posting is likely to be light during the summer. I won’t poison the well by posting mine just yet.

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Dawg Sports has a really funny post on Great Moments in Bad Sponsorship, both real and imagined.

It reminded me of the Ironic Sponsor of Knoxville’s sports talk show during last season’s 5-6 train wreck.

Some excellent advice from Dawg Sports on the dangers of football fandom and syndicated t.v. shows.

West Virginia’s Kevin Pittsnogle should have played for Gonzaga.

Say it with me:

Gonzaga’s Pittsnogle shoots!

Gonzaga’s Pittsnogle scores!

Gonzaga’s Pittsnogle! Gonzaga’s Pittsnogle! Gonzaga’s Pittsnogle!

UPDATE: Apparently, a lot of people didn’t get the full effect of the video below, probably due to not having the latest version of Flash (version eight). I’ve added a link to the video in .wmv format, which should work for most people. If you see a hat floating in the air, you’re not seeing the whole thing. Thanks for those who responded with feedback.

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Yes, blogging has been light the last week or two. Keep reading and you’ll find out why.

First, the context. About two weeks ago, I voted for the first time in MGoBlog’s BlogPoll. My poll is here. For my effort, I earned this rebuke from whip-wielding Brian, MGoBlog’s publisher:

Mr. Bold is the . . . newbie The View From Rocky Top, who, um, really likes the SEC: UGA #4, LSU #5(!), Florida #6(!), Auburn #12, Alabama #14… okay. Florida State is #9, GT #11… er, okay. Perhaps the ballot entry form was excessively confusing? Perhaps the Tennessee Season of Doom has sent our newest poller into a nervous breakdown where this year never happened and it’s 1967 or something? It is the mystery. Explain yourself! Try not to say the words “Southern Speed,” lest you feel the lash of my whip!

Here’s my response:

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Southern Speed! Southern Speed!! SOUTHERN SPEED!!! Being a very public Volunteer fan over the past four months has made me impervious to pain. So lash away, Brian! Lash away, all! SOUTHERN SPEED!!!!

Actually, though, it’s not really about southern speed. It’s more due to the gradual poisoning of a Tennessee fan’s mind, season by season, game by game, evolving into full-blown lunacy by the end of the 2005 season. Let’s just say I’m not fit to stand trial.

Press play below for the full explanation. WARNING: The video below has sound, and the controls are a bit buggy. Hitting the No Music button will stop the music, but will not prevent the other sounds embedded in the video from playing. [Note to self: separate audio from video in future Flash projects.] Plus, if you want to watch it again, you’ll need to reload the page. Sorry, still learning.

And now . . . View from Rocky Top presents . . . a VollumTears production . . . a film by [insert-your-own-play-on-words-fictional-movie-production-company name here] . . . [and another] . . . [and another] . . . .

To see the video in .wmv format (good for most readers, but might be very small, depending on your settings), follow the Vollum link.

To see the Flash Version, click the play button below:

UPDATE: Just to clarify, I didn’t intend to game the poll. It was in fact, temporary insanity. Yeah, Florida beat two BCS and conference champion teams, and I couldn’t think of another team that had done that, but ranking them No. 6 is, well, crazy. And I do think the Big 10 has an advantage by not having to play a championship game — which only adds one more loss to at least one of the top two teams in the conference and doesn’t much help the winner — but weighting that fact as much as I did was, well, ludicrous.

Anyway, my poll was screwy, but not on purpose. And the fact that it wasn’t on purpose was more embarassing than if I had gamed it. Thus, the video and the insanity defense. But I’m feeling much better now, and you should expect more sanity from me in the future.

Vollum.

UPDATE II: I’m concerned about College Football Resource’s comment that “the black nothing is 99% of the story.” I’m hoping this doesn’t mean that a bunch of people can’t actually see the whole video. The video has text, music, film footage, and an “oddly brown Tennessee hat,” so if you don’t see all of that, something’s wrong. Try upgrading to the latest version of the Flash player. Please email me if you notice anything unusual. Well, anything that doesn’t work right.

A former Tennessee Volunteer fan is auctioning off his loyalty:

I’ve been a loyal TN Vols fan for more than twenty five years but after The Hiring made for this University football team.

I’m DONE!!!!!!!

I’m selling my services as a College Football League fan to the highest bidder.

I CAN BE A FAN FOR YOUR TEAM!

The winning bidder will get to pick my new favorite College team. I will root loudly and enthusiastically for my new team for the remainder of the 2005-2006 season (If in a Bowl game) and the entire 2006-2007 season.

This auction ain’t no oddly shaped, pseudo-holy food item: This is 100% testosterone filled College Football League Fan that will be a fanatic for YOUR TEAM.

As of the time of this post, the guy says he’s been interviewed by Knoxille news media and will be on ESPN’s Cold Pizza tomorrow morning. The auction will end in 2 days.

I’ve added a Google search and a Google blog search to the News Aggregator Test Page, so if this post isn’t updated, check over there for the latest. UPDATE: The news aggregator test page is just that — a test page, and it’s not picking up the search RSS feeds. It is picking up Fanblogs’ feeds, though, so you should still go check it out. UPDATE II: The test is over. I’ve deleted the page for now. Perhaps another attempt later.

Thanks to Pete at Fanblogs.com, who in turn thanks Paul Westerdawg at Georgia Sports Blog.

Comments?